With this Ring
by meshu11
Summary: "The ring's a reminder..."


**Author's Note:**

**This is longer, darker and far more descriptive than I ever intended it to be when I started writing. It kind of took on a life of it's own, and I feel the need to add a read at your own discretion warning here.  
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"The ring's a reminder…" 

He hands her the ring, all shiny and new and she shudders on the inside. She isn't shiny and new, she is damaged and used. Her life could never be fixed as easily as this ring. But he's looking at her so expectantly so she pushes down her revulsion, smiles tightly and tells him her hand still hurts too much to wear it at the moment. He seems to believe her, but she doesn't miss the look of disappointment in his eyes. He asks her again a few times after that, pushing it more then he knows he should, but she always has an excuse. He stops after awhile… 

She's searching for her earrings when she looks at it again. It's morning and she's in a hurry and the glint of it catches her eye. She blames the sleepless night for her already vulnerable state, because she can't stop the sudden rush of tears. She manages to hold most of them at bay, but the surge of emotion sends her back to that night. She's on the floor of her office, fighting and losing with his weight pressed down on top of her. She's screaming – she must have been screaming because her throat was raw for days after. But it obviously wasn't loud enough. She's struggling, she knows it was with all her might – but it was useless. Her struggles are meaningless, her screams are meaningless. All it does is excite him further… 

The next time, she's home alone and she seeks the ring out. She misses it. She barely remembers Pete cutting it off, but she remembers those little moments where she missed wearing it. She misses the weight of it. She misses idly playing with it. She misses knowing she belongs to someone, especially when she's feeling so adrift and alone. But tonight she's angry and seeks it out as some kind of proof that she isn't as messed up as she's feeling. She finds it half-hidden in her jewellery box and pulls it out slowly. It looks smaller then she remembers, and she considers putting it on. She even has it grasped in her right hand, but she can't do it. That angers her further and she can feel it bubbling inside of her, twisting it's tendrils of self-loathing. She's such a coward. She hates every bit of how she feels. The fear, the tears, the constant memory of it all drives her to frustration. The bruises may be fading, but she still remembers the pain. Not that you remember actual pain, but just that there was pain – and she remembers it vividly. The first punch and how much it took her by surprise, more than it hurt. But the one's after that, getting stronger, until she hears something crack beneath one of his fists. That one really hurt, she remembers.

She looks down at her clenched fist, the ring indenting painfully against her skin. She's loathsome to let it go, because a small part of herself thinks it feels good, but then she half-screams in frustration and throws it across the room. It bounces off the wall and lands quietly on the carpet somewhere under a side table in the corner of the room. She remembers the sickening crunch of bones when he stamps down hard on her hand as she was trying to stand again… 

She's vacuuming two weeks later when she finds it. She can't deny that she wasn't worried that she'd lost it, but that was more over what Cooper would say. She silences the vacuum and sits with her back against the bed, just looking at it. She can't believe that something so innocuous, something she had once loved can make her feel like this. She had disposed of everything else she had been wearing that night. When the police returned her belongings, she threw them down the garbage chute without even looking at them. She'd even tossed her favourite handbag down the chute with the rest of it. But this was something she couldn't throw away. She runs her hands over her bent knees and remembers _his_ hands. They seemed to have been everywhere at once. Holding her down, pulling at her dress, running up the outside of her thigh to pull roughly at her underwear. His hands were in her hair yanking violently at the strands, one hand moving down her body, while the other held down her pinned wrists, eliciting pained pleas for him to stop.

She sits for a bit longer, absorbing her thoughts, living them out in her memory. Then she picks up the ring, stands up and puts it back in her jewellery box. She abandons her vacuuming and makes for the shower. She lets the water run over her, taking comfort from the searing heat and trying to erase the feel of his hands from her mind. How they were the beginning of what was to come… 

She can't run when she dreams. Her body is literally trapped, paralysed as he towers above her. It's in her dreams that she remembers so vividly. The way he used his knees to force her legs open. How he repeatedly pushed her down as she tried to sit up and fight. That he had his face so close to hers when he entered her - rough and fast – and how he almost smiled when he saw her reaction. His rhythm was erratic and mean, and he seems to draw pleasure from her cries. She can feel him breaking her down, shattering something deep inside her. His face is sweat covered when he leans over again, licking the side of her face and she thinks she might just vomit. He comes quickly, and the burn feels worse now that he's finished. She feels him wet and soft against her thigh. She doesn't get time to even breathe before he's in her again though. Half hard, with adrenaline fuelling his actions, and she wilfully falls into the semi-conscious state his final punch to her face brings. She still feels every second of it though, and it seems that he wouldn't have it any other way.

Cooper is calling her name and she finally focuses on it. She's tangled in sheets and covered in sweat and there are actual tears running down her face. When she looks at him, her vision blurred from unshed tears and her half-wake state, he looks terrified. She can't focus and the hand that he has on her arm feels as if it's too tight, pulling her down. She pushes him away as she stumbles into the bathroom, leaning heavily on the basin trying to compose her thoughts. Her body is still reacting though and she quickly turns and dry-retches into the toilet. The sound is terrible and the burn of acid at the back of her throat upsets her more. Cooper's behind her running water and moments later a wet flannel hovers somewhere in her peripheral vision. She leans towards him slightly and he runs it over her forehead before placing it on the back of her neck. He holds her hair back gently and she shudders before retching again.

They sit like that for quite some time before she croaks out a request for water. He's back before she even realises he left, and she takes a mouthful of water before spitting it into the bowl. She's shaking more then she'd like him to see, and he has to help her take another sip of water. She can't move and he takes her flannel, re-wets it, before handing it to her and she runs it over her face. She feels her body settle into itself, finally shaking off the last remnants of her nightmare but she still can't stand without his assistance. He sits her on the side of the bed and when he goes to the dresser to look for fresh pyjamas for her, she sees the ring sitting on her bedside table. He'd put it there earlier that night in hopes of starting a conversation, but it ended in more of an argument. She starts crying. Cries when he undresses her and as he's putting her into a new set of pyjamas. Cries as she climbs back into bed, moving over to the side he was sleeping on, away from the ring sitting innocently on her nightstand. She cries as she remembers him coming in her a second time, his body crushing down over hers… 

After therapy she tells him she'll meet him back at the office, and takes a cab back to their apartment. The look on his face when she told him the ring was a reminder still plays in her mind. He was genuinely surprised, and looked hurt that she hadn't told him before. Maybe if she'd told him, he wouldn't have pushed it so much. Thing is, she was hoping that after some time she'd want to wear the ring again and that this issue that's become of it would disappear. But now he knows and he's offering to buy her a new ring, and she can't stand it. She wants this ring. She wants to feel about this ring how she did before. She wants to feel about her like she did before. The thought of a new ring clenches something inside of her. It's like he'd be buying a new ring for the new her – the her that's a little bit less fearless, a little bit more broken. She fishes the ring out from the bottom of the jewellery box and slips it on her finger. It sits strangely after all these months without it, and she feels the beginning of some slight anxiety stir inside her. She's doing this for Cooper, she tells herself. He needs to see her with it, so then he'll know what she knows. That their relationship is fine. She doesn't need a ring to know that, but obviously he does and she'll wear it for him. For all he has done for her, she can at least do this for him.

He's still not happy when she arrives back at the Practice, and talks to her about steps people in a relationship take. It wears at her patience, and mixed with the anxiety of just wearing the ring, she's feeling a little off. He must notice and backs off on the questions for the rest of the day. She lies awake that night thinking about why it's still so hard for her to wear it. She hasn't had a nightmare for nearly a month now and while there isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't think about it, it doesn't paralyse her anymore. She can make it through a day without it weighing down her every move. She thought that wearing it for him would be enough, but it's not enough to forget all that happened. It's not enough to forget how it looked against her broken hand, still sparkling while the rest of her was tainted. She had focused on it as he climbed off of her, zipping his pants and snickering down at her sprawled on the floor. He'd done what he came to do, he'd broken her… 

Speaking with Amelia goes nothing like she expected. She was itching to argue with her, but Amelia had Cooper pinned. All the things she had ignored while she had to focus on herself, Amelia showed them to her. This might have been her fight, but he had been standing there next to her for the whole thing and sometimes she didn't even notice. The strength she needed some days came from him, and in return she'd only given him more pain. She watches him as they drive to their therapy session and can tell that he's beating himself up. After all that has happened, she just wants to see him happy again. She always knew that she would forgive him. In the grand scheme of things, it was one kiss. One kiss when he was feeling at his lowest and had nowhere else to turn to. She knows what it's like to be in that place, and she's sad that she was too messed up to notice he was there. She watches him walk, head down and she makes her decision. He has been with her through some of the roughest times of her life. They were barely speaking when he flew to Alabama to be with her when her father died and it meant more to her then she would ever tell him. He's seen her crying and broken, angry and yelling, pissed off with everything and the world and it didn't phase him. Each time he was there to pick her up, dust her off and tell her to breathe. Never judging, despite the fact that she was always judging herself. She loved him for that.

She watches him over the restaurant table, laughing at something that had happened with a patient and she smiles. It's a big ,wide smile and she feels her heart might just burst with the love that she's feeling for him at this very moment. She's not used to the flood of feeling that runs through her, it lightens her and makes her feel giddy and free. She wants to wear this ring – her ring. Her ring is more than that one night, and she may not have recognised that before, but she's strong enough to realise it now. Her ring is a reminder of his love, a symbol of their life and a remembrance of what she's overcome. Forgiving him had lifted something from her shoulders and this is their fresh start. From now on there isn't anymore backwards steps, only forward ones, only towards their future. She can look at her ring now and see it's beauty. She can wear her ring now and not feel the weight of it in her soul. She understands now, that in the end she has to wear her ring for herself. And she is ready… 

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Author's Note (again):

I'm very undecided about whether I like this story or not. So if you have any comments, ideas or constructive criticism please review. I wouldn't normally ask, but writing this has made me feel a little vulnerable and I would honestly like your opinions.


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